Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he was CRYING into my vagina
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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