i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
