New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
me + whiskey = a bad person
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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