by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
