I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Terrible idea I love it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
