Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
