Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
