The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
bring money and cleavage
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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