I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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