On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
