So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
