Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
