that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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