My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
