Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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