I will die if light touches me.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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