my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
