My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
