Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
