I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
How external is "for external use only"?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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