So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
