I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
