Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
