Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
