I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
