I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
