I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
