I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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