I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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