come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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