Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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