I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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