Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
