youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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