so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
