Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
