duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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