Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
