I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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