You can't motorboat a personality
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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