I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
