I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
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