I wish my penis had an off switch
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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