this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
