Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
