i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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