Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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