I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My vagina is officially offended.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
