Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
