Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
